Thursday, 16 July 2009 13:54 by MadMat
As you must now all be aware, Michael Joseph Jackson, the one-gloved, "innocent" moonwalking popstar, he died.
He was 50 years old; at least, his bones were.
The rest of him was between 23 and 6 years old, the youngest of his various body parts being his nose.
So, with a world in mourning for the greatest (?) pop star we've ever known, and with his terrifying face appearing on the front covers of newspapers, magazines, on the internet and in the nightmares of Bubbles the chimp, I take a look back at Wacko Jacko's career, albeit through my slightly fuzzy eyes.
MJ rose to fame as 20% of The Jackson 5, an imaginitively named group of singers consisting of 5 singers, all named Jackson.
Its a little known fact that Jackson wasn't their surname, it was actually their first names. Jackson Tito was the 'bad boy', Jackson Jermaine was the soulful one, Jackson Pollock was the arty one, Jackson Randy was a fat dude with dreams of becoming a judge on American Idol, and then there was little Jackson Michael, a babyfaced gangster from the mean streets of Indiana.
In fact, JM (as he was known in those days) only joined the group as part of a punishment handed down by a judge, after he was busted selling counterfeit jeans to immigrants.
So the boys toured the country, under the watchful eye of Ike Turner, who had some free time after beating up Tina. Sometime during the mid 70's, Ike had to go to jail so the group's management changed to Joe Jackson, a middle aged man with no children but a loving wife. They adopted young JM after deciding he was the most talented one (and also because JM threated to stab them).
So, in order to shed his 'babyface' image, they changed his name to Michael Jackson, made him grow a 'fro (Afro's were considered very tough back then) and bought him some dancing shoes, which were just Converse with fire-ants in the toes. Boy did he dance!
This new Michael Jackson started out quite well; he had 1,022 songs recorded before his 19th birthday. However, most of these songs were the same, and consisted of Michael reciting poetry through a megaphone. So these songs were scrapped, and they hired Quincy Jones III who was a noted musical genius.
Together QJ and MJ slaved away until they produced something special - 1979's Off the Wall. It was hailed as "musical gold" and "the best record we've heard this week" and went straight to Number 1 in every country except Russia (cos they were Commies) and France (because they're stupid).
With this new found fame & fortune, MJ toured the world, receiving £1 billion in the process. Sadly, Michael would bet most of this money on one spin of Roulette while in Las Vegas and lose (he picked red, it came up black).
But not to worry, because Michael and Quincy went back to the studio and recorded 1982's Thriller, which was much better than his previous album, and even went to Number 1 in Russia (they were still Commies, but had discovered music). Michael made what was then the most expensive music video ever, Thriller (at a cost of $23.50), and then started on another world tour.
And this is where the trouble began.
Whilst filming an ad for Pepsi in 1984, Michael was attacked by a gang of wolves that he was supposed to be singing to. The wolves only let go when a nearby chimp, Bubbles, threw poo at them.
MJ and Bubbles would go on to be great friends, and even kiss occasionally.
But the damage the wolves did was horrible; gone were MJ's youthful good looks and his second glove.
Michael had to get the best plastic surgeons from around the world to reconstruct his face.
But even with his new plastic face, he dominated the charts. Albums such as Dangerous and that other one went to Number 1 and he continued to rake in the cash.
Michael bought a ranch, called Neverland, and fulfilled every little boys dream; he rode rollercoasters all day long.
Sadly, this is where his 'alleged' love of children surfaced.
One day, while playing with some local children, MJ touched one of them on the head, and was sued for sexual assault.
No one knows what happened next, but I hope MJ got his $13 million worth out of that little boy's ass.
But you know the real reason MJ died?
Well, Farrah Fawcett died on the same day, but she got to Heaven before Michael. St Peter granted her one wish, as a Thank You for Charlie's Angels (He was a big fan). So Farrah asked that the children of the world be safe, as her own son was in jail for drugs, and she wanted to spare other children the same pain.
So, God (acting on the wishes of Farrah Fawcett) killed Michael Jackson.
And to quote someone famous (referring to MJ): Only in America can you be born a poor, black boy and die a rich, white woman.
Yes, its a shame, but let's be honest - he was a fading star and at least now he'll be remembered for the weirdo he was, not the weirdo he may have become.
Thank You & Goodnight - I'm off to get my money back for my MJ tickets!
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Wednesday, 20 May 2009 14:11 by MadMat
So, they're at it again.
Those crazy Iranians have apparently developed a missle which might be able to reach Israel.
Excerpt from The Times:
Mahmoud Ahmadinejad claimed today that Iran has successfully test fired a new medium-range missile capable of striking as far as Israel or southern Europe.
Benjamin Netayahu, the new Israeli Prime Minister, has said that Iran’s missile technology combined with its nuclear programme pose the greatest threat the Jewish state has faced since its creation in 1948.
Why, oh why, does Iran think it has A) the right; B) the need; and C) the justification to make missle capable of striking Israel?
Oh that's right - because Iran is a MUSLIM COUNTRY and all Muslims really care about is blowing up the Jews, oppressing women and producing oil.
Sorry, that's not quite true of all Muslim countries; I hear that in Saudi Arabaia, women can't do shit (can't even do A shit) without having their father/brother/husband give expressed written consent (nope, implied oral consent doesn't cut it).
And is Pakistan, I don't think women have to cover up. Actually, they don't in Iran either.
But still, Iran wants to destroy Israel for no better reason than: It's Jewish.
Israel didn't steal Iran's girlfriend, Israel didn't nark on Iran when Iran broke Mrs Johnson's windown whilst playing football and Israel didn't offer cut-price nosejobs to the thousand's of big nosed Iranian women, thus depriving Iran's own cut-price plastic surgeons of valuable business.
Nope, it's a simple matter of religions.
Not eating pork/bacon/ham VS not eating pork/bacon/ham.
Celebrating adolescence with a big party VS being married by age 12.
Having an alphabet which looks like the top of a Squiggletop VS having an alphabet which looks like the top of a Squiggletop.
Wandering 40 years through the desert VS still living in the desert.
One God, all powerful and all knowing VS one God, and his sidekick, Muhammed
Wow, the similarities are there, that's for sure.
So why then do we not hear Israel plotting the downfall of the Muslim world?
Sure, Israel is just one country, and Iran might be able to get some help from Syria, Jordan and possibly Lebanon. Even the dirty Ruski's might lend a hand, but that'd probably only be to piss off the Yanks.
But Israel has the trump card: The West.
Yes, the glorious nations of Great Britain, the US, Canada (maybe) and those crazy "we love a good fight, but only if you're not German, and do you remember Napolean who almost conquered Europe?" French.
At the end of the day, if Islam didn't exist, everyone would be a lot happier. The world would be a more peaceful place.
Hey Muslims, just build a bridge and get over it.
God isn't real.
And surely the fact that there are at least 5 major world religions, all with different deity's, proves that no religion (no matter how wrong) has the right to claim their's is the "true faith".
If there was one true God, the whole world would follow it.
Also, why is that Muslims feel the need to kill non-Muslims? Why do Christian's feel the need to protest outside abortion centres?
Why don't we ever hear about crazy Jews doing anything? Because the Jews aren't crazy.
They have their beliefs, but they don't force them onto anyone else.
How many other religions can claim the same?
Only one. The Buddhists.
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Wednesday, 29 October 2008 11:29 by MadMat
As the dreaded month of Movember draws ever nearer, it seems as good a time as any to reflect on the current crisis facing the world.
Sure, economies everywhere are crashing. The war in Iraq is still costing millions every day. Liverpool sit atop the English Premier League. All terrible, terrible things indeed.
However, I refer to that "other" important event (and to a lesser extent, a slight less important (but never-the-less topical) event): The US General Election (and also the New Zealand General Election).
That's right: AMERICA DECIDES.
Potentially leaving the fate of the Free World in the hands of some 300 million Yanks, (who have given us such greats as Cheese-Wizz in a Can, World Series of baseball and George W. "Dubya" Bush( and countless illegal Mexican's who managed to cross the border and will probably, somehow, figure out how to vote.
All bets seem to be off, as Paddy Power (Irish bookies, and Max Power's brother) have already paid out on bets for people who picked Barrack Obama would win the Presidency.
NOTE: This has NOT actually happened yet.
So, is the US, and more importantly the world, ready for Obama to lead? Sure, no person with common sense would wnt McCain/Palin in the White House for the next 4 years.
Sarah Palin, despite her "kinda like an older, slightly less attractive Tina Fey" looks and knowledge of automatic weapons, believes dinosaurs only roamed the Earth 4000 years ago! Right around the time the Egyptians were crusing down the Nile in their crocodile mobiles. Is she mad? No, she's a Christian. And looks what the last 8 years of Bible-bashing, gun-crazy, blow-them-all-to-hell politics have done.
F*ck all, thats what.
Sarah Palin's 17 year old daughter Bristol (named after, I dunno, Palin's favourite southwestern UK city?) is knocked up. At 17! By a guy called Levi! Who happily states he is a redneck (not a crime on it's own, but with compelling evidence a crime non-the-less). Apparently they're getting married, which is nice, but considering their age they won't even be able to drink at their wedding. Shame!
I hear people saying "Oh, you can't judge a parent on the mistakes their kids make."
Er, well, yeah you can! I look at a pregnant 17 year old and think "Damn, what a slut! Bet your mum's a skank too! What's her number?"
Can you honestly look at Sarah Palin and think she's done a good job as a mom when her barely legal daughter is ready to pop a sprog??? No, you can't.
And then there's John "old enough to remember when George Washington was knee high to a grasshopper" McCain, from the sandy state of Arizona.
McCain is like 100 or something, and spent most of the Vietnam War in a POW camp, having his ribs broken and eating other inmate's poo.
Now, I feel sorry he had to endure such treatment, which was so bad he can no longer lift his arms above his head.
But is this the kind of man who should be entrusted with the keys to America's 532 nuclear warheads? You know he's still pissed about what Charlie Kong did to him - I bet Vietnam get's a rocket up the arse should he get in. Plus, any President who can't throw a ball properly can't be trusted to run a country properly either.
Now, don't assume that because I dislike McCain & Palin, that I support Obama. Personally, Hillary was my choice and I think she'd have done a good job.
However, Obama is less crazy than the other 2, so he gets my vote. I know it's only a metaphorical vote, but that brings me to my next point; the world as a whole should have some say as to who gets elected. After all, like it or not, we'll be dealing with the decisions made by the new President for the next 4 years.
So, my advice is this: vote Obama, or somehow vote Hillary.
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