Thursday, 16 July 2009 13:54 by MadMat
As you must now all be aware, Michael Joseph Jackson, the one-gloved, "innocent" moonwalking popstar, he died.
He was 50 years old; at least, his bones were.
The rest of him was between 23 and 6 years old, the youngest of his various body parts being his nose.
So, with a world in mourning for the greatest (?) pop star we've ever known, and with his terrifying face appearing on the front covers of newspapers, magazines, on the internet and in the nightmares of Bubbles the chimp, I take a look back at Wacko Jacko's career, albeit through my slightly fuzzy eyes.
MJ rose to fame as 20% of The Jackson 5, an imaginitively named group of singers consisting of 5 singers, all named Jackson.
Its a little known fact that Jackson wasn't their surname, it was actually their first names. Jackson Tito was the 'bad boy', Jackson Jermaine was the soulful one, Jackson Pollock was the arty one, Jackson Randy was a fat dude with dreams of becoming a judge on American Idol, and then there was little Jackson Michael, a babyfaced gangster from the mean streets of Indiana.
In fact, JM (as he was known in those days) only joined the group as part of a punishment handed down by a judge, after he was busted selling counterfeit jeans to immigrants.
So the boys toured the country, under the watchful eye of Ike Turner, who had some free time after beating up Tina. Sometime during the mid 70's, Ike had to go to jail so the group's management changed to Joe Jackson, a middle aged man with no children but a loving wife. They adopted young JM after deciding he was the most talented one (and also because JM threated to stab them).
So, in order to shed his 'babyface' image, they changed his name to Michael Jackson, made him grow a 'fro (Afro's were considered very tough back then) and bought him some dancing shoes, which were just Converse with fire-ants in the toes. Boy did he dance!
This new Michael Jackson started out quite well; he had 1,022 songs recorded before his 19th birthday. However, most of these songs were the same, and consisted of Michael reciting poetry through a megaphone. So these songs were scrapped, and they hired Quincy Jones III who was a noted musical genius.
Together QJ and MJ slaved away until they produced something special - 1979's Off the Wall. It was hailed as "musical gold" and "the best record we've heard this week" and went straight to Number 1 in every country except Russia (cos they were Commies) and France (because they're stupid).
With this new found fame & fortune, MJ toured the world, receiving £1 billion in the process. Sadly, Michael would bet most of this money on one spin of Roulette while in Las Vegas and lose (he picked red, it came up black).
But not to worry, because Michael and Quincy went back to the studio and recorded 1982's Thriller, which was much better than his previous album, and even went to Number 1 in Russia (they were still Commies, but had discovered music). Michael made what was then the most expensive music video ever, Thriller (at a cost of $23.50), and then started on another world tour.
And this is where the trouble began.
Whilst filming an ad for Pepsi in 1984, Michael was attacked by a gang of wolves that he was supposed to be singing to. The wolves only let go when a nearby chimp, Bubbles, threw poo at them.
MJ and Bubbles would go on to be great friends, and even kiss occasionally.
But the damage the wolves did was horrible; gone were MJ's youthful good looks and his second glove.
Michael had to get the best plastic surgeons from around the world to reconstruct his face.
But even with his new plastic face, he dominated the charts. Albums such as Dangerous and that other one went to Number 1 and he continued to rake in the cash.
Michael bought a ranch, called Neverland, and fulfilled every little boys dream; he rode rollercoasters all day long.
Sadly, this is where his 'alleged' love of children surfaced.
One day, while playing with some local children, MJ touched one of them on the head, and was sued for sexual assault.
No one knows what happened next, but I hope MJ got his $13 million worth out of that little boy's ass.
But you know the real reason MJ died?
Well, Farrah Fawcett died on the same day, but she got to Heaven before Michael. St Peter granted her one wish, as a Thank You for Charlie's Angels (He was a big fan). So Farrah asked that the children of the world be safe, as her own son was in jail for drugs, and she wanted to spare other children the same pain.
So, God (acting on the wishes of Farrah Fawcett) killed Michael Jackson.
And to quote someone famous (referring to MJ): Only in America can you be born a poor, black boy and die a rich, white woman.
Yes, its a shame, but let's be honest - he was a fading star and at least now he'll be remembered for the weirdo he was, not the weirdo he may have become.
Thank You & Goodnight - I'm off to get my money back for my MJ tickets!
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